Self-Care vs. Selfishness/Self-Centeredness

When talking to people, I often notice that people confuse taking care of one's self with selfishness. I hear people saying "How could he/she do that to me?" or "Why would he/she make that decision, knowing how much (insert person here) needed him/her?". Those statements, in of themselves, are selfish statements, placing the person offended as the victim. It's all about expectations. Not sure what the difference is between the two? Let me explain.

Self-care is simply just taking care of one's self. It's not about getting ahead at the expense of others. Self-care isn't designed to manipulate or take advantage of someone else. We are often taught that we are supposed to put the needs of everyone else above our own. This isn't always the case. Remember, YOU are a person, too, and it's your responsibility to take care of YOU. If someone else's needs are in direct conflict with what your life's purpose is, goes against your goals, or eats up your time, it is important that you decide to put your needs first. It is also the other person's responsibility to accept that not everyone can be there for him/her all the time. He/she also has a choice regarding what path to take, and have confidence that he/she can take care of himself/herself.

Selfishness/self-centeredness, on the other hand, is a position more like the "victim" described in the above paragraph. The selfish/self-centered person is focused on self in a way that he/she expects others to be of service to him/her at a drop of the hat. The selfish person is less concerned about you, and more concerned about what he/she can get out of you. In reality, the selfish/self-centered person lacks self-esteem and confidence (which comes from within) and depends (expectation) on others to fulfill their needs for them.

Is the difference getting clearer now? I hope so. Let me follow up with a few examples:

Self-care
Jane has been in a relationship with a wonderful man for the past six months. She is also a hard worker at her company. She has applied for many promotions, and finally, she got the job of her dreams. The only problem is, the job is in Nevada, and she and her boyfriend live in Upstate New York. She talks about her job offer with her boyfriend, and, although he's happy for her recent success, isn't thrilled about moving to Nevada. He has a great job where he is. Jane is disappointed that her boyfriend isn't willing to move, but, she understands that he has his own set of life circumstances. She weighs her options. She can stay in New York with her boyfriend, whom she cares deeply for, or, she can take the promotion. She really wants this job, and feels that if she stays, she'll be unhappy and ultimately resent her boyfriend for not wanting to come with her. Jane doesn't want to hold resentment, and, the more she thinks about the opportunity ahead of her, the more excited about the job she becomes. She decides to take the job, and, although her boyfriend is sad that their lives are heading in different directions, he understands that she's doing what's best for her. He realizes that if he were in her shoes, he'd probably make the same decision. He and Jane make their tearful goodbyes, and she boards the plane, sad that her relationship seems to be ending, but feeling she made the right decision for her.

Now, let's use Jane again, but change the roles to sefish/self-centered roles.

Selfish/Self-Centered
Jane has been in a relationship with a wonderful man for the past six months. She is also a hard worker at her company. She has applied for many promotions, and finally, she got the job of her dreams. She tells her boyfriend about her exciting opportunity, and, although he is happy for her, he cannot move to Nevada with her. He likes New York and his job. Jane becomes very upset. She thought things between them were going really well, and is irate that he would choose his job over her. She can't believe that he could be so selfish. She expected him to back her up, and move with her. Doesn't he love her? Doesn't he know how important this is? She berates him for being so selfish that he would not even consider going with her, not realizing that her expectations, in of themselves, are selfish. She spends the next few weeks stewing about his decision to take care of himself and not back her up. She boards the plane alone, focused on her boyfriend's "bad" behavior instead of being excited about the new road ahead.

Starting to make sense? People who understand that it is up to them to make their own happiness are better able to make decisions about their lives without hostility or ill will toward others. They realize it is their responsibility, and don't expect others to play along if it's not what is best for him/her at this juncture in his/her own life.The ones who rely on others for their happiness or security are not confident enough to obtain it on their own. In essence, they use people, and it's all out of fear.

So, which person are you? There was a time that I was that selfish person. I was afraid of not being liked or not having the opportunities that I wanted, so I would latch onto other peoples'. When someone made a decision about his/her life that didn't include me, I would be hurt and irate. I thought I was the center of their universe. I was completely unhappy and ultimately always ended up alone. Then, a time came where I had to take a good, hard look at myself. I couldn't blame anyone for my misfortunes because there was no one left - except me. I began to realize that I was the problem. I needed to start making decisions for me, taking care of me, and NOT expecting anyone or everyone else to do it for me. That realization made it easier for me to say "no" to people who's life plan was different than mine, have confidence that I could achieve whatever it was that I wanted on my own, and stop expecting/relying on people to hold my hand through the process. It was, and continues to be, very liberating.

In conclusion, you can have all that you desire. It is up to you (self-care) to achieve it. You CAN do it. Believe it! It worked for me, and I am happier than I have ever been in my life. So, go get it!

Have a wonderful day!

Arlene